Will I Ever Feel Socially Accepted?

Before I felt convicted to give them up, one of my favorite things to do was watch horror movies.  Halloween H20 was my pick and I must have watched it a couple hundred times.  Lori, who just so happened to be the half sister of Michael Myers constantly looked over her shoulder because she lived in fear.  Deep down inside she was afraid that her psycho stepbrother would somehow find her, and come back to murder her.  As a result her life was in total shambles.  She secretly drank too much, was overly protective of her teenage son and distanced herself from her boyfriend who was a counselor.

Finally, at one point when the pain became nearly unbearable she asks her boyfriend this question; "Do you think that it's possible to have something so bad happen to you that you never recover?"   He replied, "I like to think that recovery is always possible."  Although, this is a fictional line from a horror flick I can relate.  I've asked myself the same question hundreds of times. 

When I was nineteen years old I lost all of my family and all of my friends in one single day.  I was one of Jehovah's Witnesses and my entire social world centered around this organization.  Because I broke one of their rules I got tossed from the congregation while all of my social network was still inside. I was  left with no contact whatsoever.  I was alone, with no one.  This type of traumatic experience can leave a scar.  I know that it has for me.

I guess my question would be; "Do you think that it's possible to be so afraid of people leaving you that you never feel comfortable around them?'  This is exactly the position that I find myself in.  I mean I feel like I'm always in a catch 22, or double-bind.   On the one hand: I love people, am very social and conversational.  However, on the other hand: I am terrified of people, they make me nervous. 

Honestly, I never knew how strong these feelings were until recently.  See, in the past I've ran from one mega church to the next.  I've happily slipped into large auditoriums  and slipped out undetected.  This was safe and I enjoyed the noncommittal feelings.  The Pastor's were doing their own things and were much to busy to notice me, which suited me just fine.  I could smile on the surface and cordially carry on small talk and kaboom that was it.  Of course I didn't have to speak with anyone if I didn't want too.  Ah,,, those were the good ole days.....

Around 2 months ago my family and I started attending a different church.  This church is very small and very intimate.  Everyone knows precisely when I come in and everyone knows when I leave.  The Pastor is never doing his own thing and he never allows himself to become too busy to talk with his congregation.  In fact, if a person doesn't find find him, he will find them. 

This church is a supportive, nurturing, environment.  Sounds like I would be perfectly at ease, doesn't it?  But I'm mot.  I'm terrified.  Each week I have to fight down waves of panic before I even enter the building.  It never fails that every  time I approach these warm loving people, I have this intense feeling that they can't stand me, and they can't wait for me to leave so that they can talk about me.  And if I see the caring Pastor approaching, I start to feel nauseous and my heart starts beating so fast that I'm afraid that it might come out of my chest.  So, I immediately start asking him questions before he can ask me anything.  Why do I have these reactions?  At the moment I'm not sure, but I think that I can take an educated guess.

I'm afraid of not being socially accepted.  Maybe, I'm still scarred from all of my friends and family abandoning me.  Maybe, deep down inside, I'm afraid that if I make a mistake people will leave me.  I'm not entirely sure if figuring out what triggers these feelings is important; all I know is that it's one of the most unpleasant feeling that I've ever experienced.  So far, I've been successful at being social despite these feelings, but.... I literally don't know how to complete this sentence.

I believe that the secrets that we hold in the dark only serve to keep us sicker.  If the devil can make us ashamed of them and afraid of telling other's what they are, then he has us right where he wants us.  He does not want us to be free; instead, he wants us  immobile and frozen in fear.  So... I've made the decision to share my experiences so that I can stop carrying the burdens along and so that others who carry the same burden will realize that they are not by themselves.

"God has not given me a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7.  I'm still working on this promise, right now it's easier for me to read it, than to actually experience it.