The Pact

There's just no way around it I made a pact with myself when I was disfellowshipped as one of Jehovah's Witnesses.  subconsciously, I allowed myself to agree with what the elders said about me.

They said that I was rebellious, unlovable and unwanted.  They said that Jehovah didn't want someone like me messing up his crystal organization.   They told me that I was dirty and had to be removed like a cancer, before I polluted the rest of the congregation. 

I can remember all to well sitting through that meeting awaiting my horrible fate.  The elders had spoken, I had not appeared repentant enough to them,  and so the only decision was to disfellowship me so that I didn't contaminate the others.

I agreed with them that very night.  Right then and there before I even left the room, I sided with the elders that I wasn't worth loving.  I wasn't worth saving and that people could not be trusted.   I never said these words out loud, but deep down inside I internalized them and that's the way that I've lived my life ever since.     Jesus said, "As a man thinks in his heart, so he is." 

I've had to ask myself some brutal questions this week.  First, I asked myself what I really thought in my heart about love?  My heart answer is, "It doesn't really exist.  It's only superficial.  My second question was  could anyone be trusted?  My answer is, absolutely not.  They will not stand by you when you really need them.  Because when the going gets tough everyone leaves.  My thoughts about  trust is that it's completely counterfeit; it only appears real on the surface it may look authentic, but in reality it's completely fake.  And third, will Jesus actually save me?  The truth is; I don't know. Maybe, deep down in my heart of hearts I  believe that I'm not worth saving.  I mean if anyone asks me the question;  did Jesus come to earth to die and to save people from their sins,  I will defend that He did.  But did Jesus come to earth and die for me?  No, I'm not worthy.

I believe that we each must search ourselves and our hearts to find the answers to hard questions that we'd rather not answer.  I just know that deep down inside I'm not the only person who struggles with receiving God's grace.  If you have never been shown love and mercy and unconditional love, then it's very hard to fathom what it is.  Especially, individuals who have suffered abuse from both their parents and  religious leaders.  I don't say this in any way for sympathy, but the truth is the truth.  Most people don't want to get their hands dirty with recovering cult members.  They would rather offer a pat on the back and a quick solution then to actually bleed with the other person.  However, Paul said, "Mourn with those who mourn."  We've somehow forgotten this as Christians.

  This is why I do what I do.  People have had stuff happen to them.  Painful stuff.  I for one am tired of hearing that we should stuff our pain and paint on a happy, plastic, smile.  Because when we do this, the devil wins.  Satan wants us to believe that we are the only ones in the universe to feel the way that we feel.  That's why talking about it helps.

My hearts desire for this week is to learn how to receive the unconditional love of Jesus.  Honestly, I don't know how to receive it but I'm desperately willing to learn.

Jesus, I know that I cannot stay forever trapped in this hopeless maze of past hurts, but I'm gonna need a supernatural miracle.  Please heal my broken heart so that I can accept your love and grace.