While some of us were fortunate enough to grow up with functional Jehovah's Witness parents, many of us were not. Unfortunately, I 'm one of them. My father had a depression problem and my Mother dealt with her anger issues by welding out discipline with a heavy hand.
I never knew what to expect from either one of my parents. For example; my father would be happy and talkative on Monday. He would want to spend time with me, he would want kisses and hugs, he would just want me near him. Then by Tuesday, he would become sullen, with - drawn and get agitated if I tried to even get close to him.
It constantly felt like I was in a continuous game of "heads or tails," I never knew which side of the coin that I would see. Because my life was so uncertain, I grew up in a constant state of panic. I walked on egg shells all of the time. Believe me that's not a good environment for anyone, but especially not for a child.
As early as I can remember when my father would walk into a room, I would flee to the safety of my bedroom. However, if my mom and sister were in the room when he walked in, I'd stay, but get as far away from him as I could manage. My one bit of contact with him was the mandatory hug and kiss before bed. Then even that changed when I was 10. One night right before bed, I debated on whether or not to kiss dad because I knew that he was in one of his moods, but my mom insisted. So, I tentatively approached him to give him a hug and kiss and he literally shoved me away. Initially, I cried. I felt unloved, hurt and rejected. However, after the shock of being pushed away wore off, I just got angry. First, I got upset with my father and then at myself. In the beginning I wondered what was wrong with him but then I wondered what was wrong with me. I reasoned that he didn't love me. That day I made a conscience decision to mentally and emotionally separate myself from my parents.
I wish that I could say that I had been able to resolve this issue with my father before his death is 1992, but I didn't. I wish that I could tell you that my mom and I have a loving relationship but we don't.
What really makes me sad about this whole situation is that my parents got involved in an organization that could not help them overcome a rocky past. We were taught to go to the elders with our problems, but the elders had family problems of their own. The truth is; even if a person did go to the elders, they would not step in and help because they were not equipped to do so.
I remember once being at a meeting and an elder gave a talk on self-control and he specifically talked about how fathers were to be gentle and sit an example for their families. Now what was ironic about this statement is that my father had just came home the day before and thrown a coffee cup against the wall, shattering it into a million pierces, then he picked up my mom's defenseless houseplant and slammed it down on the carpet for apparently no reason. So... I supposed that Jehovah was giving me a nudge to talk with the elder about my father's behavior, I mean I reasoned that my father was not doing what was pleasing to Jehovah. To make a long story short; the elder rebuked me for being disobedient to my father, and strongly advised me to allow my mother to handle our family problems in the future.
As you've probably already guessed growing up witness is difficult enough, but growing up witness with dysfunctional parents is down right unbearable.
Because of the way that I grew up and the sickly relationship between me and my parents it has taken me many years to work through my fear of God. In the beginning I simply could not grasp the ideal that I had a Heavenly Father who loved me. Not having an earthly father or mother to compare Him with, I had a difficult time even getting my thoughts around the concept. I still struggle with this undeniable truth. "And because we are His children, God has sent the spirit of His Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out , "Abba, Father." Galatians 4: 6. Interestingly, I've never had a problem calling God, Papa. My difficulty arises when I need a soft place to fall, or I need His help with something.
I'm certain that many ex Jehovah's Witnesses have dealt with or are dealing with this problem. Something that has really helped me is realizing that I can't trust my emotions.My emotions are sometimes wounded and they change, however God doesn't. "He is the same yesterday, today, and forever." Hebrews 13:8. God loves me; how do I know? Because the Bible tells me so!
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