The Vows That Bind

Therefore submit to God.  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.   James 4: 7a,8a.

For weeks now; God has been  bringing me through an intense time of emotional healing.  I can't deny that I need it because I have more baggage then Kennedy Airport.  As painful as it is,  I take some solace in the fact that at least for now I understand where most of my struggles are coming from.

When I was fifteen years old, I walked into the kitchen just in time to see my ranting father slam my mother's favorite house plant against the wall.  The look of shock and fear that crossed my mom's face was over whelming.  Next,  I helplessly watched as my frightened mother slowly sunk down into a corner, buried her face into her lap and sobbed.  Then my father with a look of both glee and intense satisfaction,  turned and stormed from the house.  I remember just standing there looking at my mom for the longest time not knowing for sure what to do or say. 

I felt so helpless and so disgusted that all I could do was run down the hall.  After I got into the safety of my bedroom, I remember looking at myself in the mirror and saying, "No person will ever control me, especially a man."  Later that day as we "all" sit around the dinner table eating supper, I kept fighting down waves of nausea because of all the unresolved tension that the earlier drama had created.  Everyone just ate their meals in silence and no one spoke of the incident.  Then later on that same evening we all got dressed up in our finest, and went to the Kingdom Hall to parade as the perfect, loving, Christian family.  My father suddenly loved everyone and my mom was transformed onto a social butterfly, and my sister and I were the obedient, teens who were someday going to make wonder witness women.

All throughout that meeting my mind reflected back upon that days events and all  of the other days that I had lived through just like it,  and suddenly nothing made any sense to me.  Finally, before that meeting was over I decided to take the issue to my favorite elder.  I reasoned that since mom obviously lacked the strength to do anything, I would.  For the first time I felt hopeful about my situation.  I just knew that after my conversation with the elder  things at my home would change.

After the meeting I quickly found the elder and literally spilled my guts, I told him everything.  I told him how that I lived in constant fear, I told him how my father bullied my mother, I told him about my mother's inability to stand up for herself to my father. I mostly told him about my feelings of hopelessness in constantly watching my mother crumble and allowing my father to walk all over her.  After I had finished I sit back feeling relived for first time.  However,  my relief was only temporarily because absolutely nothing could have ever prepared me for his response.  Instead, of telling me that it was going to be OK,  that he'd see what he could do, the man started rebuking me.  He gave me a lecture on how I wasn't being submissive to my mom or dad, he told me that our private family matters needed to be handled by my mother and he pretty much let me know that the entire congregation had nothing but respect for my father.   Honestly, all I can remember feeling at the time was shock........

Later on that night as I lay in bed I remember making another solemn vow and that was;  that I would never,  under no circumstances, go to an elder, minster, or man of God ever again with my problems.  I reasoned that people were more accepting if they didn't know that you were having problems.  And even if you were suffering it was always better to pretend that you weren't.

  See,  recently God has asked me to surrender and submit my life and will over to Him and I have not been able to do it yet.  But at least now I know why; those vows that I spoke over myself  20+  years ago, still hold much power over me.

The truth is; as far as my relationship with God goes this is where the rubber hits the road.  I can't advance another step unless I give Him what He wants.

I mean if surrender were an intellectual matter I think that I would have already done so,  but surrender is an affair of the heart.  My head Says, "Go on girl, you do not need to hold onto the control, let God do it."  Then my heart says, "I know that I need to, but I'm afraid and I really don't know how."   I keep telling God that if you want me to do this you are going to have to supernaturally intervene.  I'm sure that I cannot do this myself.

So,,,,, thus far the struggle between mind and will continues.........