The Dance

"I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance."  Garth Brooks.

It's been nearly three weeks since the passing of my best friend and Grandmother; Lena.  Although it's just been a matter of weeks it feels like years.  I honestly believe that death has a way of slowing down time.  Which is weird because all I've ever heard about getting over the death of a loved one is that the passing of time is the only thing that helps.  Kind of a catch 22.

There isn't a single emotion that I haven't gone through.   I've went from anger, sadness, carelessness, denial, back to anger and carelessness.  I've suffered loss of appetite, insomnia, periods of sobbing, etc.   But for the past week, I've just felt heavy. I think that it has taken this long for the truth to actually sink in.  The cold hard reality is  that a cherished part of my life is really gone and she isn't coming back. What hurts even more is that there's no way to bring her back.  This realization has brought me more pain than I ever could have imagined. 

My Grandmother and I had talked about her death in great detail.  I remember this one conversation that we had when I asked her, "What will I do when you die, Grandma?"  She just looked at me, thought about what I asked her and replied, "When I do finally go, just thank the good Lord for having me as long as you did."  At the time that comment seemed like the most responsible thing to do.  However, it's much harder now that the time is finally here.

I'm actually at the point where I don't think about her ever single second but instead of that being comforting it's a little scary because I'm afraid that eventually I'll forget something about her.

Death has a way of forcing a person to  create a new and different life.  What I mean is: a person has to adjust to living without the other person in it.  It's strange but accept for certain items and memories,it's like the  person never existed. 

I can say with all certainty that the only way that I've gotten through this is by running to Jesus.  I've cried out to Him literally ever hour of the day.  He is the only reason that I haven't pulled the covers over my head and just "wallowed" (thanks Pastor Ron) in my own misery.

When every thing is said and done I know that even if I had to go through this pain all over again in order to have a relationship with my dear, friend, that I'd do it without a moments hesitation.  Cause I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance, and I would not have missed out on the opportunity of loving my Grandmother for the entire world.