"I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance." Garth Brooks.
It's been nearly three weeks since the passing of my best friend and Grandmother; Lena. Although it's just been a matter of weeks it feels like years. I honestly believe that death has a way of slowing down time. Which is weird because all I've ever heard about getting over the death of a loved one is that the passing of time is the only thing that helps. Kind of a catch 22.
There isn't a single emotion that I haven't gone through. I've went from anger, sadness, carelessness, denial, back to anger and carelessness. I've suffered loss of appetite, insomnia, periods of sobbing, etc. But for the past week, I've just felt heavy. I think that it has taken this long for the truth to actually sink in. The cold hard reality is that a cherished part of my life is really gone and she isn't coming back. What hurts even more is that there's no way to bring her back. This realization has brought me more pain than I ever could have imagined.
My Grandmother and I had talked about her death in great detail. I remember this one conversation that we had when I asked her, "What will I do when you die, Grandma?" She just looked at me, thought about what I asked her and replied, "When I do finally go, just thank the good Lord for having me as long as you did." At the time that comment seemed like the most responsible thing to do. However, it's much harder now that the time is finally here.
I'm actually at the point where I don't think about her ever single second but instead of that being comforting it's a little scary because I'm afraid that eventually I'll forget something about her.
Death has a way of forcing a person to create a new and different life. What I mean is: a person has to adjust to living without the other person in it. It's strange but accept for certain items and memories,it's like the person never existed.
I can say with all certainty that the only way that I've gotten through this is by running to Jesus. I've cried out to Him literally ever hour of the day. He is the only reason that I haven't pulled the covers over my head and just "wallowed" (thanks Pastor Ron) in my own misery.
When every thing is said and done I know that even if I had to go through this pain all over again in order to have a relationship with my dear, friend, that I'd do it without a moments hesitation. Cause I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to miss the dance, and I would not have missed out on the opportunity of loving my Grandmother for the entire world.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Oh Lord It's Hard To Be Human
"But you love me anyway. It's like noting in life, that's I've ever known, yes, you love me anyway. Oh Lord, how you love me."
As far as I'm concerned there are only two absolutes in my life. One, I'm definitely human and two; God chooses to love me in spite of myself. That really is amazing when I stop and think about it. The love of our Heavenly Father is remarkable. What really gets me is that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to earn it. There is nothing that I can do to deserve it, never the less, He continues to give it away "freely" to each one of us, even the ones who flat out reject Him. "For He gives His sunlight to both the evil and the good, and He sends rain on the just and the unjust alike." Matthew 5:45b.
I mean think about it; we are nothing special because we love God. Rather, we are special because He loves us. I don't know about you but that just gives me warm fuzzes all over.
When I think about "all" the times that I've fallen short of His commandments I'm over whelmed by the fact that He still even wants to talk to me. Yet, each time that I have fallen short, and confessed my mistake He has always said, "I-yes, I alone-will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again." Isaiah 43:25. In my opinion this is one of the most powerful verses in the entire Bible. God doesn't say that He forgets our mistakes for our sakes, He say's that He forgets our short comings for His sake! He wants to love us! Praise God! He genuinely wants to love us! That is a remarkable, humbling, thought.
I think that the reason that He chooses to do this is because He's Papa.
Although I am imperfect, I'm a parent. And being a mother or father is the closest thing that I can think of to anything that even closely resembles the love of God. My nine year old can definitely test and try my patience. She can really make some bad choices and she has. With each unwise choice that she's ever made (and believe me, she's made them) I still love her, I've never stopped, even when her actions mean administering a consequence. I address the situation that's immediately at hand, hand down the sentence and then I move on. This is exactly what God does!
Jesus said that if we as imperfect and wicked people know how to extend love and good things to our children, how much more so can our perfect father in heaven do so for His.
At the beginning of this blog I quoted the lyrics to a song: "He loves me anyway." These are not just pretty words; they are truth. God has loved me my entire life and I'm just now starting to realize just how much.
So, is it hard to be human? Yes. Do we make mistakes? Yes. However, I'm here to tell you that God loves you in spite of everything, and He loves you through everything. Not because of what you've done, but because of who He is. And who is He? He's PAPA. He is love. He simply can not be anything else. Wow!
As far as I'm concerned there are only two absolutes in my life. One, I'm definitely human and two; God chooses to love me in spite of myself. That really is amazing when I stop and think about it. The love of our Heavenly Father is remarkable. What really gets me is that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to earn it. There is nothing that I can do to deserve it, never the less, He continues to give it away "freely" to each one of us, even the ones who flat out reject Him. "For He gives His sunlight to both the evil and the good, and He sends rain on the just and the unjust alike." Matthew 5:45b.
I mean think about it; we are nothing special because we love God. Rather, we are special because He loves us. I don't know about you but that just gives me warm fuzzes all over.
When I think about "all" the times that I've fallen short of His commandments I'm over whelmed by the fact that He still even wants to talk to me. Yet, each time that I have fallen short, and confessed my mistake He has always said, "I-yes, I alone-will blot out your sins for my own sake and will never think of them again." Isaiah 43:25. In my opinion this is one of the most powerful verses in the entire Bible. God doesn't say that He forgets our mistakes for our sakes, He say's that He forgets our short comings for His sake! He wants to love us! Praise God! He genuinely wants to love us! That is a remarkable, humbling, thought.
I think that the reason that He chooses to do this is because He's Papa.
Although I am imperfect, I'm a parent. And being a mother or father is the closest thing that I can think of to anything that even closely resembles the love of God. My nine year old can definitely test and try my patience. She can really make some bad choices and she has. With each unwise choice that she's ever made (and believe me, she's made them) I still love her, I've never stopped, even when her actions mean administering a consequence. I address the situation that's immediately at hand, hand down the sentence and then I move on. This is exactly what God does!
Jesus said that if we as imperfect and wicked people know how to extend love and good things to our children, how much more so can our perfect father in heaven do so for His.
At the beginning of this blog I quoted the lyrics to a song: "He loves me anyway." These are not just pretty words; they are truth. God has loved me my entire life and I'm just now starting to realize just how much.
So, is it hard to be human? Yes. Do we make mistakes? Yes. However, I'm here to tell you that God loves you in spite of everything, and He loves you through everything. Not because of what you've done, but because of who He is. And who is He? He's PAPA. He is love. He simply can not be anything else. Wow!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Never Allow Your Past to Determine Your Future.
"I focus on this one thing: forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead." Philippians 3:13.
Exactly 10 days ago my Grandmother Lena passed away. I can honestly say that although I loved her dearly, I never really knew her. Something happened to Grandma that changed her life and personality forever.
On a crisp March morning in 1942 my Grandmother walked out of the front door of her tiny two room house to go and draw some drinking water from her neighbors well. She quickly assessed the situation and decided to leave her three children, all under the age of 5, at home. There was just no way that she could possibly manage to control the hyper 5 year old, while carrying the 2 year old on one hip, and still hold the sleeping 6 month old, and still have a hand left over to carry buckets of water down the steep hill. She concluded that the trip on foot would take less than ten minutes and she'd be right back.
Grandma had no sooner gotten the water when she heard shouts from passersby warning that a house was on fire! Call it a mothers intuition, or simply call it a knowing, but Grandma knew immediately that it was her house that was up in flames and she also knew that her three babies were still trapped on the inside. Next, she dropped her buckets of water and immediately ran with bare feet up the rocky incline to what once had been her house. Unfortunately, it was too late, the fire was out of control and the children could not be rescued.
No mother should ever go through what my Grandmother went through. I'm sure that the pain that she felt and tears that she cried were innumerable. But the biggest tragedy of all; was that Grandma stayed trapped in the past and never got on with the future. She stayed a prisoner of her pain and she built a wall around her heart and she never allowed anyone inside, not even God. She never spoke of the fire or the deaths of her children unless someone forced her to, and that someone was always me. I can tell you that when she did speak of the fire she'd get very uncomfortable. Her eyes would start to dart around the room and she would look at everything but my face. I understood that the experience was very painful for her and that's why I wanted her to talk about it.
I wish that I could say that Grandma used her pain to comfort others, but she didn't. I would love to tell you that she completely let go of the past and trusted God in the last days of her life, but she didn't.
When I walked into the funeral home 6 days ago: my first thought was that time had ran out. She had no more tomorrows to live. No more chances to laugh, had no more opportunities to forgive and forget, or be a blessing to someone else. There were no more chances to reach out to other hurting mothers who may have lost children. The truth is; unlimited potential died with Grandma. She could have absolutely rocked this world with her experiences and wisdom, but instead it all stayed locked inside and was buried with her.
Believe it or not, I've learned more from Grandma's death then I did from her life.
In my last couple of blog posts I've complained how that being raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses has prevented me from fully trusting others and therefore I concluded that because I couldn't trust others, than I couldn't trust God completely. Why it's been so easy for me to blame God for everything that has happened to me in my past I'll never know. Why I would count all other people as untrustworthy just because I was mistreated by one religious group no longer makes any sense.
Take the advice of someone who has had to learn a hard lesson; if you want any kind of successful future, you must close and lock the door on the past. Then you must determine to fix you focus on what lies ahead in the future. At long last I've learned that my past did not keep me from my future, I did. I'm the one who determines whether I control my past, or my past controls me.
Exactly 10 days ago my Grandmother Lena passed away. I can honestly say that although I loved her dearly, I never really knew her. Something happened to Grandma that changed her life and personality forever.
On a crisp March morning in 1942 my Grandmother walked out of the front door of her tiny two room house to go and draw some drinking water from her neighbors well. She quickly assessed the situation and decided to leave her three children, all under the age of 5, at home. There was just no way that she could possibly manage to control the hyper 5 year old, while carrying the 2 year old on one hip, and still hold the sleeping 6 month old, and still have a hand left over to carry buckets of water down the steep hill. She concluded that the trip on foot would take less than ten minutes and she'd be right back.
Grandma had no sooner gotten the water when she heard shouts from passersby warning that a house was on fire! Call it a mothers intuition, or simply call it a knowing, but Grandma knew immediately that it was her house that was up in flames and she also knew that her three babies were still trapped on the inside. Next, she dropped her buckets of water and immediately ran with bare feet up the rocky incline to what once had been her house. Unfortunately, it was too late, the fire was out of control and the children could not be rescued.
No mother should ever go through what my Grandmother went through. I'm sure that the pain that she felt and tears that she cried were innumerable. But the biggest tragedy of all; was that Grandma stayed trapped in the past and never got on with the future. She stayed a prisoner of her pain and she built a wall around her heart and she never allowed anyone inside, not even God. She never spoke of the fire or the deaths of her children unless someone forced her to, and that someone was always me. I can tell you that when she did speak of the fire she'd get very uncomfortable. Her eyes would start to dart around the room and she would look at everything but my face. I understood that the experience was very painful for her and that's why I wanted her to talk about it.
I wish that I could say that Grandma used her pain to comfort others, but she didn't. I would love to tell you that she completely let go of the past and trusted God in the last days of her life, but she didn't.
When I walked into the funeral home 6 days ago: my first thought was that time had ran out. She had no more tomorrows to live. No more chances to laugh, had no more opportunities to forgive and forget, or be a blessing to someone else. There were no more chances to reach out to other hurting mothers who may have lost children. The truth is; unlimited potential died with Grandma. She could have absolutely rocked this world with her experiences and wisdom, but instead it all stayed locked inside and was buried with her.
Believe it or not, I've learned more from Grandma's death then I did from her life.
In my last couple of blog posts I've complained how that being raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses has prevented me from fully trusting others and therefore I concluded that because I couldn't trust others, than I couldn't trust God completely. Why it's been so easy for me to blame God for everything that has happened to me in my past I'll never know. Why I would count all other people as untrustworthy just because I was mistreated by one religious group no longer makes any sense.
Take the advice of someone who has had to learn a hard lesson; if you want any kind of successful future, you must close and lock the door on the past. Then you must determine to fix you focus on what lies ahead in the future. At long last I've learned that my past did not keep me from my future, I did. I'm the one who determines whether I control my past, or my past controls me.
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